


Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too

by KyloReam



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: (actually phone foreplay), 4chan, AOL Instant Messenger, Ace Hux, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cyberbullying, Fluff, Hate-Flirting, Inappropriate Use of a T-Mobile Sidekick, Kiki Kannibal, Kylo Ren Being a Little Shit, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Phone Sex, Say Anything, Slice of Life, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Top 8 Friends, a cinnamon roll among sinnamon rolls, blockatiel.jpg, catching feelings, mid-2000s internet and teen culture nostalgia, myspace au, not now boner, potty-mouthed teenagers, terrible puns, the word "smexy"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 01:33:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6635551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyloReam/pseuds/KyloReam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Hux really wanted to do on a Friday night was to lie in bed in his boxers with a cigarette dangling from his lips and a laptop full of gory and explicit message board torrents. </p><p>All Kylo really wanted to do on a Friday night was to call Hux up and teach him how to be a real boyfriend.</p><p>(Or, the fluffiest piece of fluffernutter to come out of the Myspace AU because the siren song of mid-2000s internet teen nostalgia is calling to me and I can't hang up.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too

**Author's Note:**

> When I first heard about [horatiosroom's](https://horatiosroom.tumblr.com) Myspace AU, I was like, “Oh, this is gonna be a cute high school romcom about two dudes being rivals for internet fame and hate-flirting with each other!” and so this is my attempt to tip the scales back toward that fluff. Also, ace!Hux (thank you based [sailerscrimshaw](https://sailerscrimshaw.tumblr.com)). Not intended as a prequel to [“Plastic Surgery Slumber Party”](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6618082) but it *could* be? 
> 
> Fic title and inspiration: [“Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too!”](https://youtu.be/ZePmTgk65WY) by Say Anything. 
> 
>  
> 
> [The video that Kylo sends Hux is 1000% real and is a relic of mid-2000s scenester culture and you should really watch it.](https://youtu.be/lMSZy0yzS7Y)

Hux couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than lying in bed on a Friday night in his boxers with a cigarette dangling from his lips. Granted, his mother had warned him not to smoke in bed, but he had a feeling there were a lot of things he did that would scare her shitless. Like the message board he had pulled up in front of him, filled with a tiling series of _very_ gory and explicit thumbnails. 

He scrolled down, a thumbnail of a waif-like man with black and pink hair and leopard-spotted extensions catching his eye. He was lying back on a silvery morgue table with a fucked-out expression, cuts in imitation of an autopsy incision spreading blood across his narrow, tattooed chest, and was wearing nothing but a gaudy rhinestone tiara. And Hux knew enough about blood to know this was the real deal, not stage blood. 

> File: Tristan_Travesty_Autopsy.jpg (65 KB, 455x563)  
>  **Tristan Travesty Myspace hottie blowjob / bloodplay / barebacking Anonymous** 03/30/2007 17:17:50 No. 12479
> 
> MySpace queen Tristan Travesty is the hottest corpse on the scene in ‘Miss America Autopsy.' Watch this twink get torn apart by torrenting here: 

Hux hesitated for a moment. He didn’t usually go for videos that mixed bloodplay and sex, but there was something beguiling about this scenester. He copied the torrent link and opened it in a private window; the download was going to take _forever_ , he thought, stubbing out his cigarette. He considered getting up and going to the kitchen to get something to eat when his phone rang.

“Kylo.”

“Hey Hux,” drawled Kylo. Hux wasn’t sure if he was drunk or just trying to be sexy. “What’re you up to?”

Hux thought about this for a moment. _Nothing_  was too vague, _jerking off_  implied that he actually had sexual feelings, and although he’d teased him about vivisection, he wasn’t sure how Kylo would respond to _watching a scenemo fuck who looks like you get cut open and reamed_.

“Are you watching porn? Oh my god, you’re watching porn!”

And now Hux knew that Kylo, in addition to being an over-eager attention whore, was also somehow psychic. “I’m not,” he said, wishing Kylo could hear him rolling his eyes.

“Oh really? Then what are you doing on a Friday night?”

“Looking at knives,” he said. It wasn’t a lie, he’d been over on /k/ earlier, bookmarking some butterfly knives and machetes.

“You’re so hardcore,” said Kylo dismissively. “Gonna take a picture with a machete in your hands the next time your family goes hunting and make it your profile picture, _ControlledBleeding_?”

“First off, no, we hunt with guns, second of all, only redneck sisterfuckers make hunting pictures their profile pictures, and third of all, why do you care slash why are you even calling me.”

“Why do you think?”

Hux placed his head in his palm. “Fuck, Kylo, I don’t know.”

“I wanna hang out with you tomorrow night.”

“Why?”

“Because we haven’t done anything since Poe had the house party,” Kylo whined.

“You grinded on me for ten minutes and we made out while playing Spin The Bottle.”

“Exactly!”

“Don’t you have a pre-calc test on Monday?”

“I’ll study for it on Sunday. Come _on_ , don’t you ever hang out or do anything fun?"

Hux scoffed. “I have my photography.”

“Right, like it’s so hard to photograph some dead crows you found. Like, why don’t you ever take party pictures?”

“If you’re trying to convince me to take photos of you, Kylo, you’re sorely mistaken.”

“You know, this is why you only have a Top 4 on MySpace. Nobody wants to be associated with you because you’re not _fun_.”

“It’s called _art_ and _curating,_ Kylo, not making your profile look like Lisa Frank had an orgy on it. I think you’ll find that the crow video got nearly 5,000 views in one day, so I’m not sure what you’re going on about me being unpopular, and I choose my Top 4 with more care than your Top 8."

“You’re just jealous because Kiki Kannibal and Tristan Travesty don’t follow you back,” hissed Kylo.

Hux felt his mouth suddenly grow dry. His computer pinged, letting him know the video he’d just torrented had downloaded successfully.

“You know Tristan Travesty?”

“Um, like, everyone who’s anyone knows Tristan Travesty. We met up at a Say Anything show this past summer and exchanged _kandi_ ,” said Kylo, drawling out the last word like he’d said  _blow jobs._ Hux found himself trying very hard not to think about Kylo on his knees, blood dripping down his chest, sucking off a doppelgänger.

“You exchanged kandi? God, did you let him fuck you, too?”

“You know what, this is why you can’t be part of Kandi Klub. You don’t get anything, Hux,” said Kylo. He doesn’t speak for what feels like a minute, and Hux hoped Kylo had gotten frustrated enough to hang up. 

“But it’s okay,” said Kylo, suddenly sounding much sweeter than usual. “I can teach you.”

Hux laughed. “You’re gonna teach me how to do what? Make out? Suck your cock?”

“I’ll teach you how to be into people…well, how to be into me.”

The only way I’m getting into you would be cutting you open and disemboweling you, Hux thought, inexplicably aroused by the idea.

“What are you wearing right now?”

“Clothes,” Hux said reflexively.

Kylo sucked his teeth. “What _kind_ of clothes?”

“Bed clothes.”

“You’re in bed? Are you wearing a shirt?”

“Of course I’m wearing a shirt, Kylo, it’s March and my dad just turned off the heat." 

Kylo seemed taken aback, but undeterred. “Boxers or briefs?”

“What? Boxers.”

“I bet they’re short and black and are really soft,” whispered Kylo. “Wanna know what I’m wearing?”

Hux didn’t, but Kylo continued anyway.

“I’m wearing nothing but panties, they’ve got rainbow leopard print on them. I think they must’ve shrunk in the wash, because they’re really tight,” he said, a note of mock sadness in his voice. “I’ve been feeling them all day in class, rubbing up against my skinny jeans.” He paused for effect, and Hux could hear the creak of a mattress. “Oh, Hux, they’re so tight,” whined Kylo.

This wasn’t how Hux had planned his night, but he found himself surprisingly okay with the turn of events.

“You should taken them off, then.”

“No,” said Kylo, “you have to take them off for me.”

Hux cleared his throat. “Okay. I’m taking off your underwear.”

“Yeah?”

“And…wow, they're off.”

If Kylo was frustrated by Hux’s intentionally-bad foreplay, he mentioned nothing. “My panties are on my bed and my hard, hard dick’s pressing up against my stomach,” he breathed. “I’m cut, and I rub the head with one hand while trailing a hand down my chest, wishing you were touching me.” He groaned. "What’re you gonna do?”

Hux’s heart was now pounding, his arousal growing. He cursed Kylo for having the nerve to call him on a Friday night when all he wanted to do was watch videos of people being cut open. This was not normal. _None of this_ was normal. He wet his lips, thinking quickly.

“I’m gonna—“

He never had a moment to explain exactly what he had planned for Kylo. His phone suddenly filled with the sound of fabric thrashing wildly about and Kylo’s voice screeching “MOM! OH MY GOD, CAN YOU KNOCK?” before the phone call dropped.

Well, fuck you too, Kylo. 

Hux groaned, his dick now tenting in his pants. What on earth was he supposed to do with this? With a sigh, he opened his Downloads folder and clicked on MissAmericaAutopsy.zip, watching as a tall man with black-and-pink hair and a tiara got fucked and imagining a younger man with black-and-red hair and leopard-printed underwear.

Two hours later, as Hux was drowsily scrolling through /g/, a message popped up.

> **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : Huuuuuxxx~~  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : HUX Y RNT U ANSWERIN I KNO UR ONLINE  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : What is it, Kylo?  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : im srry abt my mom earlier  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : shes the woooorst she doesnt understand privacy  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : Were you really touching yourself?  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : wat do u think  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : ;D  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : I think you’re a fool for not locking your door.  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : And a tease.  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : O__O;;;  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : omg hux  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : im SCANdalized i didnt kno u could admit that  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : ur practically a normal boyfriend  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : You’ll find I’m full of surprises.  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : I’ve been thinking about it, and we should hang out tomorrow.  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : U BASTARD  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : I NEW I COULD CONVINCE U  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : my place or urs? :B  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : I’ll pick you up, around 5. My parents won’t be home.  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : k kewl!!  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : o also  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : i made u a video  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : its up on youtube n myspace  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : What  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : I’m afraid to look…  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : nooo check it out its smexy  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : https://youtu.be/lMSZy0yzS7Y  
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : kk im goin to bread  
>  **ControlledBleeding** : You just used the word smexy…   
>  **xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx** : cya tomoz!  
>  **ControlledBleeding** :Goodnight?  
>  _  
> xXxBeautyTornAparTxXx is now offline._

The link lay in front of him in the chat window. Did Hux dare to give Kylo this satisfaction? With a sigh, he clicked it.

He then proceeded to laugh himself to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> And on the eighth day, Kylo Kannibal invented nightcore.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr @ [vegetadentata](https://vegetadentata.tumblr.com) and [kyloream](https://kyloream.tumblr.com) and I might just put you in my Top 8.


End file.
